...I know the thread sounds knida negative but it's not really!

well I have just emerged from another hellraising bunch of days of borderline neurosis...it definitely gets worse for me and others each time I go there.

and afterwards I never intend to return to that level of total emotional self combustion!...and so far I have ..just let it rip! over and over

...the scars are not physical this time except a couple of organs, usually the heart..the liver...but there is certainly some mental and damage deep in my soul somewhere...everywhere.

If I was a 4 year old...mine and all the mothers in the street would just say "well...my my!....he is a very naughty boy isn't he"

But at ten times that age...it's alot more complicated than that!

I have an illness...that much is obvious...I continue to pretend as though I don't have an illness knowing full well that I do..

What this means is that I make not nearly enough of an attempt to manage it...I think I do but it's SO hard I think it's no use!
I give up...and go freelance mental.
I'm not saying bpd is our fault...not at all....but if I want to keep taking these somersault nosedives off the edge of reality...then it hurts to admit...that bit is my responsibilty.....and no matter how hard I try to keep my madness to myself...it overflows and affects people....and then I feel worse and the cycle is VERY hard to break then.

this was not meant to be so long!

I don't want to be just sorta' okay or horribly not, anymore
I just want to get better
I want to feel better
I want to COPE better with this illness I got!
I want to enjoy life just a little bit and for longer

group hug

monkey