oh, I forgot: I told T that I have had thoughts at times that I wish I could sui just to really fsck up ex-T, and that the fly in that ointment is the fact that i don't actually want to die. I also told her that there have been 2 completed sui in my life (tangentially, nobody close to me) in the past week and that in the worst moments I give into my superstition that bad things comes in 3s, and I wonder if mine will be the 3rd.