I have had a feeling of relief from pain when I thought about suicide. My thoughts about it are not very healthy. I look at suicide as a hopeful option. I will do my best to get through this (whatever this might be at the moment) but if I can not, then suicide is always an option. Thinking suicide is an option gives me a sense of control and a solid hope that I will not always have to endure his pain. If it gets too bad, I can stop the pain.
Again, it is not a healthy way to look at it, but it is what I do.
I remember several years ago when things were particularly difficult that I made up my mind to do it. I had set a date and had a mental list of things to do beforehand. Just having the plan, helped me feel better. It was as if no one could upset anymore because no matter what they did, it wasn't going to matter for much longer. I was much happier (relieved) during that time. Obviously, I did not carry out the plan. Once the date came and went, then the hopelessness came back.
I am trying to learn other ways to give myself hope. DBT is a helping with that some, but it is hard to not think of suicide as a real option.
Hope that helps some.
<<<HUGS>>>