Im so sorry honey I recently attempted suicide myself. I don't mean to keep mentioning it on here as i know it can be a trigger for some people but i just know its not really going to help matters. I, like you, want relief from what im feeling but in order to feel that i need to be alive so as hard as it is i just try and bare with it. I know this may not sound like helpful advice but please keep talking, we're all here for you anytime. Trust me attempted suicide can be a messy business. I ended up in A&E for four hours with very unsympathetic doctors having my stomach pumped and stitches put in my arm. Add all their intrusive questions and general cold and unemotional manner towards me and you have yourself a very unenviable situation. Please PM me anytime you need to chat