Yesterday, I returned to T for the first time since early January and the rupture.

I tried posting about my experience last night,but it was just too much. The feelings are too BIG.

I am a CSA survivor. One thing T said yesterday is that I allow myself to be too vulnerable in therapy. He asked me to think of ways I can not be SO vulnerable, to get SO hurt when things go wrong.

My answer, "not to trust people , especially adult authority figures". He disagreed. I asked HIM to tell me of ways I can do therapy and not make myself so vulnerable to the process, he couldn't think of any.

He apologized for his part. ( Knowing former MT lied to me, knowing how much his (former MT) sudden departure hurt me at the time given my first T experience, knowing I asked MT for the opportunity to process, knowing MT told me he had to leave suddenly and was no longer there or in private practice with ANY clients, knowing he never left and selectively chose clients to continue to see on a part time basis, knowing HE (T) knew this all along and never told me) I forgave him. I just don't know if I can trust him. AGAIN.

So. Here we are.

I don't trust myself. I don't trust my T. I don't even begin to know where to start picking up the pieces?

I am a mess.

How can I do therapy and, according to T, not allow myself to be too vulnerable?