I've been thinking about this too. Last time I told T that on some level I know he's safe because I don't freak out when he pats me on the back as I leave.

Then when I left that day he didn't pat me on the back. I can't decide if this is for my own good or what. Maybe he just forgot. Maybe he knows something that I don't.

I should probably bring this up with him, but I doubt that I will. It's kind of a bummer though. I freak out when we have to put a ball under our backs in Pilates.... the fact that I trusted him at that level was pretty cool.

So, as you can see, I have no helpful advice here. I am sorry you are hurting.