mcl: I feel your pain. I spent 2 years in a very imperfect T relationship. She was emotionally abusive, didn't trust or believe me, and I left every other time thinking that I should look for a new T. But then the next time was better, at least I thought so. I so wanted a close relationship w/ a T that I held onto whatever little crumb she threw my way and ultimately thought that any imperfection in our relationship was because of me. I began to believe that I didn't deserve a "good" T because I wasn't a "good" person. A "good" T is one who wouldn't judge me, who would look at the root my problems not just the surface, and who would believe me. The low point was that I was arrested for shoplifting and without talking to me - simply based on a panicked voicemail, she jumped to the conclusion that I did so to get her attention and manipulate her to see me more often, and no matter what I said (I'd shoplifted since before I knew her, I'd done so this time because I didn't have a job and was completely broke - shoplifted groceries) she stuck to her snap judgment.

I moved and had to look for another T. The one I found is the type of T whom I deserved all along. I hadn't changed really - if anything, I became worse over our two years after suffering through this bad relationship that reminded me of abusive ones with my parents. My point is saying this is that it was the T, not me that made the relationship perfect/imperfect since I hadn't changed.

As far as holding hands, hugging - this doesn't make a "perfect" relationship, in my case it actually made things worse. My imperfect T hugged me and held my hand all the time (once an entire 55 minute long session with our arms wrapped around each other in an embrace). In fact, this touching is precisely what made me stay in the abusive relationship. If she hadn't, I would have left and saved myself a lot of pain and lost time as it's been 17 months since we stopped working together and I still am suffering from this unhealthy relationship. A "perfect" relationship can very well be one without touch. My current T won't hold my hand, hugs me less and it's a 1000000000 times better relationship than my last one who did touch a lot. Two years ago, I never thought I would write such a thing, but it's for these precise reasons that some Ts never touch their clients.

Good luck to you. You deserve a perfect T relationship and I hope that you discover what "perfect" means for you and find a T who can give you this.