I told T today, that now I feel like, I'm not going "out there" looking for someone to love me as if for the first time; I'm looking for someone to love; I'm looking for for someone ELSE to love me. This is the way it should have been the FIRST time I stepped out of the house. I rode the bus home afterwards with a neighbor, and usually it's awful - I am yakking on and on about nonsense, and afterward I feel stupid and horrible. But this time, I remembered to ask him about his Xmas vacation abroad, and he had the best stories about it, and we laughed and laughed, and it wasn't just him talking, I participated in the conversation. (Part of it was plotting revenge on a bad host!) Anyway, it's like, the more grateful I am for what T does for me, the more it shows up IRL, and vice versa.