...I mean would I really know?...for real?

have I ever been okay?....oh damn here I go again with the questions and stuff!

I don't even know why I am writing...I feel compelled ...it's irresistable to share in this place...

I have never really felt okay..and by that I mean relaxed...something in my borderline experience just refuses to let me relax.

I had this dream this morning and it was so eerie (not like the lake)...
apparently I had found myself most way up an enormous cliff...way up near the clouds ..it was cold and a couple other mad climbers were there with me. There was nothing to hold on to. I was pooping my pants. (not in bed for real)
I didn't like the feeling at all that I might fall.....and while these others were chatting away quite relaxed....I just leapt off! into nothingness... believing it had to be better than worrying about falling I chose to jump....and down I sailed...and there was no stomach sinking feeling ...it was quite pleasant..and I just waited as the wind rushed past....it was a long way down and I was not looking forward to the impact....and then WHACK!!....I landed real hard and what the?....I was still alive.??

I had broken my back real bad and it hurt a bit but I couldn't believe it that I was alive.

a few minutes later I was even limping away with some help from strangers and a couple people even clapped and said....well yeh mate!

It was the best dream ever ...