It's definitely not just you soup.

I would say I think about her all the time. Except that I don't think it's always active thinking. For the majority of the time I am focusing on other things. But she's always there with me. Over the Christmas break I even found I was chatting away to her mid-thought. So my head looked something like: blah blah random thought blah blah planning blah blah love you T blah blah. As if she was in the room with me.

I understand what it's like to try to fight the needing and wanting, and for it to feel like a losing battle. Now, with T, is the first time I have surrendered to love. I decided to allow myself to love her and need her. I was truly afraid that it would swallow me whole. But actually it freed me to live. Loving her takes much less energy than fighting love. Plus it feels so much happier. And with that extra energy, I work and see friends and build the life I wanted all along.

A key part of the third wave cognitive behaviour therapies is recognising that sometimes it's not our feelings that are causing us to suffer, but our feelings about our feelings. Or our thoughts about our thoughts. That was certainly true for me. Loving T wasn't making me suffer. But the shame and fear I felt about loving her was causing me deep suffering. So i dealt with the shame and fear, but hung onto the love.

I just wonder, if you took the risk and 'surrendered' to the 'dependence'... if you ditched your feelings about your feelings and your thoughts about your thoughts... would it be worse than what you're experiencing now? Could it be?