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Originally Posted by objtrbit
Hi there;
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Hello.
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You've stated a lot here-there's something about talking or writing something down and making it known to another that can be powerful; what do you think it is about this point in your life that makes you want to confront isues sourrounding your father?
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There's a certain member here who will go unnamed and who reminds me of my father.
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Originally Posted by Mick
I was his first son, so he wanted greatness for me.
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What was that like for you? |
Oh, nothing short of dreadful. He wanted me to be
his idea of the picture perfect son, so long as I didn't exceed his achievements. When I inevitably rejected his ideas in favour of my own and was revered for my achievements, he began to hate me for it. Basically, I was everything he feared I would become. I didn't care, because I never liked him in the first place. But he managed to make my life rather difficult simply out of spite.
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That is definitly no way to live as a kid. What was it like for you to hold that kind of standard to yourself? What would have happened if you didn't get revenge?
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At the time, it was the only option. Hell, it was a compulsion. I never even considered the alternative, the mere thought infuriated me, and I doubt I would be able to refrain from my vindictive ways even if I had.
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It causes you problems?
As a sidenote, I think its awesome that you are able to see these recreations in your life.
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Indeed, it does. I can control myself just enough to avoid getting caught or facing any sort of repercussion.
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Is it a type of control in particular you really pick up on, or is it the slightest feeling of control in general? Do you feel this is extreme (no one controling you whatsoever) or a balance-is there ever a situation in which not being in control can serve a purpose for you?
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Manipulative control... the sort in which the puppets don't know they are, indeed, puppets. Or a leader position, simply where I have cohorts, but they aren't mindless. They can question me if they feel a particular plan of mine isn't the wisest, so long as they do so respectfully. But not control in the ultimate sense. I was never really into the "get on your knees and lick my shoe" sort of thing... It used to be more extreme, but has become somewhat balanced as I've begun to learn more about myself.
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lol! Its amazing how we run into people in our lives that seem to help us recreate these inner conflicts we have...you experiencing that lately?
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Yep.
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How do you feel about this post now?
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I've regretted it since the moment I hit "submit". Not for anything said in response, mind you. It just leaves me with a feeling of unease. But through sheer force of will (and partly because of lack of computer access), I've refrained from deleting it entirely.