Hey, everyone. I got laid off yesterday morning. My company got bought by another. They bought the book of business but not the employees, so people have been getting laid off for the past two months. I thought that I would not be laid off due to my skills in 3 departments and knowing the payroll software inside out. But, no, I was laid off yesterday morning and it came as a surprise to me. I learned later that my coworkers were genuinely shocked and scared because someone with excellent skills in payroll, finance and benefits was laid off. I was a top performer. If I could get laid off, anyone could. No, I was not highly paid. Anyhoo, I'm not writing to debate whether or not I should have been laid off.

I'm writing to see if my reactions in the last 36 hours have been normal: racing thoughts, racing heartbeats, deep wrenching sobs; screaming in terror inside, strong overwhelming feelings of shame and abandonment, uncontrollable shaking. Emotional memories of past losses have come back adding to the distress that I feel. Believe me, "distress" is a mild word for what I feel.

I feel like my getting laid off was for personal reasons. The former CEO at my old company came back and brokered the sale between my old company and the one that bought us. Now that I've been laid off, former coworkers have told me that the former CEO has said that he doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm a trouble-maker. Someone else told him that I was bad-mouthing a person that the CEO really liked. It was the opposite. That someone else was bad-mouthing the CEO's favorite but attributing it to me. If you ask my coworkers, they would say that I rarely said anything bad about someone, and when I did, it was generally agreed that the person deserved it. Then again, it could all just be rumors that have gotten repeated so many times that they turned into something else entirely.

It's hard not to take the layoff personally, especially since I tend to blame myself for everything remotely connected to me. Exercise helps to pull me out of depression when I feel like I'm going into the death spiral. It also helps burn of the unpleasant energy created by high levels of anxiety. But I can't exercise 24/7! LOL! The freak-out levels of anxiety and the plunging depression scare my along with the usual stresses of unemployment - job search, lack of money and all that lack of money entails.

I wonder if the extremes of my emotions and physical symptoms are within the range of normal or should I call my Pdoc for an additional antidepressant for the short term? I have depression and bipolar II. I'm on 200 mg lamotrigine and 60 mg Cymbalta. I was on lexapro but that made me really lethargic and depressed, even at low doses.

I'm definitely going to cut out caffeine! I'm sure that's aggravating the anxiety, racing heart and shaking. Strange that I've never had that reaction from coffee before. I've been a heavy coffee drinker for years...

What do ya'll think?