Okay, so I sent this email to T and I just realized that because I am a writer I have a "writer's voice." So naturally, all my writing sounds melodramatic in a way because I am a poet and enjoy writing fiction & non fiction too.

Anyway, I feel guilty for sending this and in my head, I feel a T would think this is a story where I'm being too dramatic or overly sensitive. Or maybe it's just dumb of me to send it because I didn't run away for long at all.

I wanted to discuss this email with my T today but, was too shy to bring it up. I was afraid of what she might of thought. I also think my home life is awesome compared to many others so I feel guilty for processing through this because I really love my parents a lot... too though.

Here's the email:

A thought came to mind when I was in bed that pretty much sums up how I feel this week and how I feel in this moment.

When I was a girl I tried to run away. I thought because I didn't leave for long and came back really soon that the experience was no big deal... I don't remember my age but, I know I was young enough because all I packed was socks, maybe some clothes?, and peanut butter. I am such a cautious person so I think it takes a lot of bravery for a little girl to pack a suitcase and leave home. I didn't know where I was going but, I was going somewhere to feel better.... Tonight, I'm wondering what would have happened if I kept walking down the street, if I hadn't of returned home for a few days... Maybe, my mom wouldn't need a letter years later, at 22, describing how I feel... maybe... something that day would have been revealed... not only to her or someone else in my family but, within myself. Tonight, I’m wondering if the act in itself is a big deal.

I know terrible things can happen to kids who runaway but, I'm really not thinking about that right now. I am only thinking about how I feel deep inside. Deep inside, I want to pack a suitcase again. I want to run away from more then therapy, school, and certain people. I want to run away from the pain that I am in. The reality is, I want that kind of courage again… to make a decision regardless of what may come from it. Even if I felt lost inside that day, at least I was brave; at least I had some strength about me. I need God to give me a special strength and courage to keep going. I don't know, it's just, tonight, I feel like that girl in the middle of the street. I didn't know where I was going but, I was going to be liberated from my sadness. Liberation from my body is what I want right now, all of the chronic pain, sickness, & memories...Liberation from my emotional pain.... as well. Life is hard for all of us. I’d like to think it will get better soon...


I wonder what my T thought? to be honest, I don't even know what I think?