I hate people. I absolutely can not stand people. I do everything I can to avoid them. I isolate myself as much as possible. But they just won't leave me alone.

What else can I do? I do not talk to anyone except my docs, my family and my T.

Why can't people just leave me alone? Why do they need to interact with me? Why do they ignore everything about my actions and demeanor and bug me anyway?

People I do not even know come knocking at my door in the middle of the night. Why?

I hate people. There seems to be no escaping them. I know I am a person too. I know I have to live with me and that is bad enough. Why do others insist on disturbing what little safety I have?

My pain is real. My anger is real. My fear is real.

My safety is not real. There is no real safety. Only the illusion of safety. Even so, I like that illusion. It helps me get through the day, or sometimes, through the minute. When that illusion is shattered by an intruder, it is very unsettling.

My anxiety is through the roof right now.

I hate people.

Distress Tolerance tools. Need to find them. Either that or buy an island.

A lovely island with soft sand and gentle breezes. And WiFi, of course. It's my island, I can have WiFi if I want. An island with berries no bugs. Lots of dogs too. No snakes. No sharks in the water either.. Just dolphins and dogs and wolves and rabbits and coconut. and NO OTHER PEOPLE!!!

But I have no money to buy an island, so I have to go there in my mind only. I have to rebuild the illusion of safety and try to hold that illusion together as best I can.

I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

Please, can I leave now?

I know I can not. But I must ask again. and again. It is my only comfort at times like this.

I hate it here.