So I know this site is for support, but I'm having trouble with that right now so I'm forcing myself with the hopes that it helps.

I don't exactly feel really depressed today but I know I am. I've been smoking today, like a real smoker. One at a time.... which is weird for me since I usually either don't smoke or chain smoke.

I haven't really been able to eat anything, and when I do I don't clean up.

I haven't showered and when I do I just sit under the hot water.

I'm suppose to be doing homework but I've just been listening to the news. Bad Canadian comedy and world affairs, and some random shows that come on in the mid afternoon on CBC 1.

My room mate just got home and I thing she knows. I hate putting stuff on her, and leaving stuff for her to clean up because she's always so busy and I don't have a job and am barely in school. She's started cleaning and I feel guilty as hell but just don't want to help. She's taking out the garbage, and doing the dishes, and even cooking for me.

I promised myself I wouldn't make her deal with my ****, especially because she doesn't understand mental illness and it just frustrates her. She doesn't know what it's like to have a wall in your head that you can't overcome, or push down, because you're not strong enough. She's successful, in a great relationship, and works really hard all the time. I'm really proud of her I just wish I wasn't so much of a burden. I wish I could go back to how I was when we met in first year.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up about her doing chores because I do all the chores around the house, and I cook for her when I know she's got a really late night at work. She's rarely hear and it feels like I have the place to myself, so it's always weird when she's home.

I know this sounds really ****ed up, but I feel like I'm being a bad house wife and deserve to be beaten. (puts trig warning on this post....). I don't really know where these feelings are coming from as I don't think I've had any abuse or trauma in my life, but that's just how I feel. That I've ****ed up, and deserve to be beaten and raped and then told to go make food as I cry. And this isn't the first time I have had those feelings.

Me and her use to date, and she was really angry when we dated. I don't really remember much of what happened because I've started to forget things from 3 relationships ago to now, but I think she use to get mad at me and push me around a bit. I remember her shoving me up against a wall threateningly and me retaliating for something. And I remember her pushing me onto the ground and growling at me for five or ten minutes, I felt like she was going to bite my jugular or something, all because I told her I was depressed.

She's much calmer now, and all of that ended when we broke up, which is why we're still living together. She's really cheerful right now, and just came over and gave me a egg mcmuffin sorta thing, saying sorry that the top got mangled... If she hadn't walked away right after I don't know what I would have said because it took me so off guard...

I just want to be beaten for being lazy and incompetent... fml