So I know this site is for support, but I'm having trouble with that right now so I'm forcing myself with the hopes that it helps.

I don't exactly feel really depressed today but I know I am.
....

I know this sounds really ****ed up, but I feel like I'm being a bad house wife and deserve to be beaten. (puts trig warning on this post....). I don't really know where these feelings are coming from as I don't think I've had any abuse or trauma in my life, but that's just how I feel. That I've ****ed up, and deserve to be beaten and raped and then told to go make food as I cry. And this isn't the first time I have had those feelings.

Me and her use to date, and she was really angry when we dated. I don't really remember much of what happened because I've started to forget things from 3 relationships ago to now, but I think she use to get mad at me and push me around a bit. I remember her shoving me up against a wall threateningly and me retaliating for something. And I remember her pushing me onto the ground and growling at me for five or ten minutes, I felt like she was going to bite my jugular or something, all because I told her I was depressed.

She's much calmer now, and all of that ended when we broke up, which is why we're still living together. She's really cheerful right now, and just came over and gave me a egg mcmuffin sorta thing, saying sorry that the top got mangled... If she hadn't walked away right after I don't know what I would have said because it took me so off guard...

I just want to be beaten for being lazy and incompetent... fml