I didn't escape until I was 33.5 years of age ... I was having a lot of the same thoughts and struggles as you ... You say you're three years into the process ... Can you at least hold on for another seven years? ... The reason I ask is because it was at least 10 years before I felt I had anything to laugh, smile or live for again ...

In the meantime, even if it doesn't seem to be working, just keep working it (The Healing Process) ... It will come ... At least it did for me, and 18.5 years later I'm so glad I didn't totally destroy myself ... Had I done that my abusers would have won the whole war and I'm so glad now that I didn't give them that ...

The psychiatric term for "Malignant Sadness" is Dysthymia ... It's a long lasting, low level of depression that just really never goes away ... I've got that too along with C-PTSD and a whole bunch of other things I have to work on too ... But, I sincerely mean it when I say it's much better now than it was when I first started this journey ... None of this stuff ever will completely go away, but somewhere along the line you'll learn to make peace with it and live your life as best you can in spite of it ...

I also had to to sever all contact with immediate family, extended family, friends of the family, etc. ... A lot of stuff to grieve under the best of circumstances ... It's certainly harder when you're having to heal wounds inflicted by them too ... It is survivable ... PLEASE ... Just Hang On ... !!!

Sincerely,
Broken Cloud