Finding a way to describe myself in words, has always been difficult for me, but i'll give it a go...

I thought I had accepted some things in my life, varying from things that I probably can't change, to things that I know for a fact that I cna't change because its either not realistically do-able or for some other reason.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I've never felt so low, without harming myself, so even though i've managed to keep myself away from that, it doesn't help as much.

I haven't talked about it much to other people, as I genuinely feel like i'm handling it in completely the wrong way. But i've never understood the whole grief thing. I've had people die on me before, but i've been able to handle it. When its someone so close to you, someone you've missed for so long. To find out thier gone, its heartbreaking in a way I can never explain.

Something else that really put me out of joint today was a remark about a very good friend of mine who is gay as being a monster. Not exactly much of an insult I know, and she just brushed it off and genuienly forgot about it within a minute or two. Its the fact that 1) She forgot about it within a minute 2) People can be so horrible.
I know it wasn't directed at me, so i can expect someone to say "well it wasn't you so why are you getting so upset over it" Its because i love her to pieces, and always will.

I've had such a bewlidering range of emotions today, i feel physically exhausted. Anger, sadness, depressed, anxious, fearful, numb, cold, happy, confused *tears hair out* I wish it was just today, but after a month of not really knowing what to do with myself.. I'm starting to feel a little lost..