I am so sorry to learn of the cheating....

I am like two people. I feel fine much of the time. I am told I appear to carry myself with confidence. I will often speak up if need be. That kind of thing. But when there is a perceived rejection, especially from a boyfriend, (it also comes into play to a lesser degree with friends, authority figures, not so much the general population), it is like I am stripped of all self-esteem. I actually have been coming to realize how full of it I have been for a loooong time.

I went to see my T for the 1st time. She told me she would call me before our next session to confirm. Well, she didn't call. Then the ruminations started - She must not like me, why would she want to bother anyway?, I don't need her, who needs therapy anyway?, maybe I should call her, but what if she doesn't call me back?, I didn't really like her anyway....well, you get the picture. This went on for hours & then it started up again the next a.m. This is typical & even stronger when it's a boyfriend.

Now when I showed up to the appt., the "old" me (I just started therapy 1 1/2 months ago) wouldn't say anything about it or maybe a casual something like "I wasn't sure if we were meeting since you were going to call me" & of course I would follow that with how I was at fault & should have called her.... This time I actually told her what had happened. All the thoughts, the time spent, the energy....Well, it felt soooo weird & weak, but I'll tell you what, it felt good too. She didn't look at me like I had twenty heads, or call anyone to take me away....She can't help me if I don't tell her about the crazies in my head.

I don't know if you relate to this at all....

There are reasons I do this stuff I am learning. I mean I know about my past, my mother abandoning me when I was 3, the abuse of my step-mother, neglect by my father, on & on, & these defenses serve a very good purpose as a survivor. But I don't have any reason logically to defend myself anymore, but my emotions are so trained, they don't agree. It all has become part of who I am. Low self-esteem = bad choices in boyfriends, or mis-perceptions of their actions/words, so the defenses come in & the cycle continues.