My T has been so unbelievably wonderful and patient with me. I think from the very beginning one of the first things that came out of my mouth to T was that she could say anything to me she wanted to, but if she yelled or spoke meanly (Impatiently) to me that I would not respond- I would shut down, dissociate. Not that I would do that on purpose, just that it's something I automatically do. It may have been the only thing I said for that whole session, but she heard it loud and clear.

I dissociated a lot in the first year. I'd open my mouth to say something, and words would not come out. I think T saw that I was clearly frustrated with myself and didn't want to add to the frustration by pushing me. If she pushed, again, I just collapsed into silence. I can remember a couple of times T would try to get me to talk (in a very delicate, safe way) and I would shut down and then she'd apologize and say that she was trying to push me , that she was sorry and that we'd take things at my speed- not hers. I know T must've been frustrated, but she always hung in there.

Unfortunately, what happened to cause me to start talking was a rupture between me and T. It would've been better if it had just occurred naturally, which, by the way, was well on it's way to happening. In general what happened was that I wanted to have T understand something more than I wanted to be quiet. So, I started sending emails explaining in detail how I was feeling etc. T accepted those emails , read them, would send a small note back telling me how well I was doing in writing my feelings down and encourage me to write a little more- so I did. This went on for a few months. When we had therapy, we'd discuss a little of the email. Not much, but a little. And little, by little the emails in general stopped and I began to talk.

After 2 years in therapy I don't think I've still had one session where we have concentrated on one concept (came pretty close last week though).
It's still pretty hard for me to talk about the hard stuff, but I am talking and it's slowly coming out. And..... every once in a while T will say, "You're doing so great! remember when you couldn't even speak?" and I just smile.

It'll happen for you Joanna. If T is pressuring you, tell him how it makes you feel when he does that. If you panic, show him how panicked you are or at least tell him. And most of all remember it takes time! 5 months, for some people is just not enough time to gain the kind of trust and connection you need to be able to open up. HECK! Sometimes it takes a rupture plus 2 years to be able to!!