Don't know what to do or where to go. I need help, didn't realize how bad until just now. Am a mom, going to either have to spend mother's day alone or travel 90 min. just to see my husband and older daughter for awhile, then travel back home alone. Why?
Actually, am on here, wondered if maybe I had some fears, agoraphobia or something. But not sure it's just me, but my situation.
Had bad dream awhile ago, only had few hours sleep. My husband and daughter drive, taking motorhomes, etc. different places, I do too, when can. But someone has to be at home, since my parents are in assisted living, plus we have 2 dogs that need attention. So, they need to work more than me. They're actually able to. I have bowel difficulties, just what you wanted to hear, huh?
Anyway, I've been alone way too much over the years. Someone may ask, was it of my own choosing, and I say, not all the time. We were in the ministry, he'd be home in the evenings at least more than now, but would need at times to go take care of someone else's problems, then had to wait for his return. We also ran a restaurant before, I didn't want to be there, didn't want to have to keep going to be there. Am not a people person, am an introvert, I did the books for the place, payroll, etc. - at home, most of the time. No place there really. I needed the quiet to do my figures anyway. Alone too much then.
Now, am here, my 89 year old dad, needs me to pick him up, take him places. I can drive long distances, for the job, but hate stopping and going, in town. He also got mad, a lot, at me, last year, after we'd moved here, when I couldn't do enough for him. Husband was driving truck then. Daughter was living in different state then. This week, I wanted to be left alone, needed to purge my system sort of. Did some. But since he got mad at me a lot last year, I've avoided him this week. He's left messages, I haven't returned his calls, let him think I'm not here. Don't want to lie, but don't know what to tell him when do talk to him. Can't stand what's going on here.
Maybe need to drive and see husband and daughter, probably shouldn't stay alone. Could go eat or something with dad. Need to go see my mom, she has dementia.
We were hurt in the last church he pastored, so he's left the ministry, we decided. Attended a church here, when could, then pastor resigned several months ago. Haven't been to church since, we still don't trust people much. Have been looking for a possible House Church in area. Hopefully will, need to make ourselves go, be involved, I need people more. But have been ever so afraid. But can't stand what's going on now with me either.
Have no insurance, we're contracted out with this work, so we're self employed. So, can't afford expensive couselors, etc., even if they are the best ones.
Some help here, advice, prayer, anything. Need people and inputs. Feel am losing it at times or at last rope. Have been on several other website's forums this last year, looking for understanding, help, with same stuff. Have gotten some, not much. Get discouraged and keep looking. Thanks, though, for reading this, ahead of time.