The good:
T printed out a "I wear a thousand masks" thingie to read and discuss. I had no 'discuss' in me, but it was something new and different.

We talked about sitting in a different chair. We also talked about wishing I was dead and how I'd like that to stop.

We discussed how my next college called and asked me if I needed help completing my online application. (Uh, hello, COLLEGE. Do you really want me if you have to help me apply? I mean, seriously.) I was slightly afraid he wouldn't think it was funny since he went to this school too, but he got it.

I looked at the clock, T saw and asked me if I was ready to leave. I said no, that I was trying to make sure I actually managed to leave feeling like I accomplished something. He immediately scooted right into CBT and even commented that I'm a thinker so CBT is my comfort zone. Probably the closest I have ever come to asking for specific help and he jumped right in and gave me what I needed.

He said that maybe someday I will even come in and ask him something about himself. I said that I didn't think I was allowed to do that. He said he'd tell me if I had gone too far. I commented that boy didn't THAT sound like it would be uncomfortable and a ton of fun. We had a good laugh.

I also found out that he doesn't save my emails. He was trying to look my last one up on the computer and didn't have it any longer.

I asked him if it felt like I was pushing him away this time. He said no. So I am getting better at that.


The bad

Intimacy. Who the hell knows what he was saying. Intimacy with H, with T. Who even knows. Blah blah, hello resistance.

He said it seems like I think that he can't help me. I said no, I treat him the same crappy way I treat everyone, that it's not personal to him. I think he's reading me wrong here.

He thinks my husband is going to be a 'great boon' to my healing. Yeah, we'll see.

At the end we set up my next appt and when I commented that I didn't think I could have 3:30 appts every 2 weeks he said something about he has a guy who has to get added in for 4:30's... and that he doesn't have many kids right now, and the 3:30s are mostly for kids. I didn't want to know either of these things - I've never been offered a 4:30 and now I feel like I'm taking appointments away from troubled children. Ack.

I didn't talk about the back-patting thing.

I talked too much about work.

We talked again about meds and I chickened out.