I wanted to do an update on this because I'm feeling really sick and sorry for myself, and I know I'm worrying about ALL the wrong things here, but I can't stop. So - I need a reality check and your help.

The guy I've had the crush on (I'm calling him Moss) was in town all week and never called, texted or emailed me. A few days before the festival he was playing at, I emailed and asked him to let me know when it would be convenient to meet up. He said he would like that, and that it would be great to see me. But didn't mention a day or time.

At this point I didn't know what I wanted from him, other than a chance to meet and say that I didn't have any hard feelings, that his art inspires me, and that I would like to stay in touch. I didn't want to rev things up or pursue an affair. I just wanted some closure, because the uncertainty - his silence and the weird feelings it was generating - it was all just killing me.

Nothing after that from him though. Silence. So on the first night of the concert he was in, I went and listened and got really emotional. I had too much to drink at intermission, and I just started crying in the audience. I guess people thought I was moved by the music (it was was a chamber piece). Anyway, so I knew my face was messed up and I made for the restroom at intermission.

So I'm waylaid by one of the other chamber musicians, I'll call him Jack, who'd gotten done with his part in the concert and was hanging out in the lobby greeting people. We had met briefly, and when he saw me this time he grabbed me and insisted on a chat. I was embarrassed and freaked out, still crying, and I was just losing it - but Jack looked concerned, and it felt good to be noticed and asked about my feelings, even by a relative stranger, because I haven't been able to tell anyone IRL what I've been going through with Moss.

So Jack seemed puzzled but not at all put off by my emotional state. He invited me to the party for the musicians after the concert, and I said I couldn't go. I didn't have to explain why, so I have no idea why I started babbling. Oh my frickin' gawd. I said I couldn't go to the party because it was awkward - with someone. One of the other musicians.

Jack wanted to know if it was a guy or a girl. I said it was a guy. He continued to press me about who it was. I didn't reveal Moss's name. I would never do that. And I was already feeling sick about having mentioned the situation at all. I just wanted to get away from Jack.

But again he started pressing me about who this person was - he works with them after all. He laughed and said he couldn't help but be curious.

Did he make a pass? Jack asked. I said we had been interested in each other, but we never went out, just talked about what a terrible idea it would be to do that. Which is true. And that he had cut me off after that, and it was just difficult for me and that was why I was crying.

But then he said, "Was it Moss?" I was in a panic and said, "I don't want to talk about it." The conversation ended not long after.

I feel sick and strange. I never wanted to be waylaid by that guy and drawn into a discussion of my personal life. And yet there I was, babbling about something awkward with one of the musicians. How did the dude figure out who it was?

I was in the bathroom just now, crying because I have this sick feeling that Jack told Moss that I spilled the beans. I didn't, but I said way too much. If Moss finds out I was chatting about anything around this with Jack, it would make me look very very bad to him, or so I imagine. Like I'm out of control, like I can't be trusted. Like I'm behaving like a woman scorned, eager to blow up his life out of revenge. God it's so not true! But I didn't say Moss's name.

And it occurred to me that maybe that's what Moss was afraid of all along. He knew he'd have to cut me off eventually (turns out it was before we had a relationship, which may be a mercy, rather after), so he tried to prevent the whole woman-on-a-tear thing. And yet there I was, losing it and skating close to revealing it all. But:

I never said Moss's name, and I don't want revenge. I'm just feeling very sick and sad now because I feel like Moss and Jack and the whole frickin' chamber music society are ostracizing me now. It's so weird.

I just really need Moss to know that I didn't reveal anything about him. I know it's dangerous for him - he's married. I wish I could tell him that I'm innocent. I'm obsessed with this right now.

I know I need to get away from this whole thing. In fact, I'd love to skip town altogether. Right now I HATE Moss, I REALLY HATE that little f*cker Jack, and I'm SICK TO DEATH of chamber music!

I want to just put a bullet through my head. Is there any way to stop obsessing about this?

I feel like I was hit by a bus, twice. First by Moss, who started flirting with me, dropped me, then revived our email connection, then dropped me. And then I was run over by Jack, who squeezed me for gossip and might have jeopardized Moss. I care about Moss. I don't want to be the one who screwed up here and compromised him. I'm sick to my stomach at the thought he thinks this - because I never ever wanted to hurt him.

I'm just rambling again. Anyway, I know I'm acting like a huge self-obsessed tard. It's possible the two of them have never even talked about me!

I just wanna die right now though. (Gawd, sorry this was so long)