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Feb 07, 2012, 12:27 AM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: The Abyss
Posts: 2,692
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I felt like I was in a decent frame of mind this week overall, but *client's mom* asked me if I was okay Thursday. Maybe I'm fooling myself.
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It's perfectly okay and normal to not feel 100% all of the time. If client's mom asked you if you were okay but you thought you were in a decent frame of mind, client's mom may have seen something that wasn't there. She may have been projecting her not feeling okay onto you. OR she might be extra perceptive and wanted to help you
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I reread what I wrote Thursday evening to T. Thinking back on the last few sessions, I remember that she's also physically pushed me out of her office twice recently. I feel silly asking for affection. Does she really not like me? Do I annoy her? Does she think I'm crazy? Does she get disgusted by me? Does she think my desire for affection is sexual? How should I know? If I ask, she might lie to me. Everybody lies for all kinds of reasons.
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The only way to know is to ask your T. I suspect I know the answers, though. I hear you when you say you feel silly asking for affection. I don't know about you, but the feeling of shame usually accompanies that. It's difficult when we have unmet childhood needs that enter our adult life. I would hope that you will work on not feeling silly as you deserve affection!! Tell her that you really want the truth to your questions, not words to avoid discomfort.
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I just crave motherly affection. I wonder if this is what my bisexuality is all about? I really just want to be held by an older female. Nothing sexual about it. I want to be comforted. I want to be reassured that I will be okay.
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It is difficult to desperately want something that you never got. I'm glad you were able to say you want to be comforted and reassured that you will be okay. Many of us feel the same, at least I do.
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In my childhood, nothing was ever okay. Nothing I did was good enough. Nothing I did to try to make Mom feel better worked. She was always depressed and sad or anxious and angry. Then when I was 15, I slapped her and called her a selfish b***h. I started screaming and ran into my room and shut the door and Dad literally broke the door down, picked me up, and threw me over his shoulder, carried me into the living room and put me down on the couch and said, "What in the hell is wrong with you? How dare you call your mother that name after all she's done for you. We don't know what to do with you anymore. If you don't calm the hell down, we'll take you to *local psychiatric hospital*."
They didn't take me. I stopped screaming, but cried and cried. Dad fixed my door, but it still has a hole in it 19 years later where he broke it down with his fist.
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like nobody sat you down and explained to you that your mother's depression had NOTHING to do with you. You could not have fixed it no matter how hard you tried. BUT it was definitely good enough that you cared enough to try. Your father handled that very poorly. He was unable to see your pain and frustration and what he said to you, although I think he wasn't thinking straight, was a good way to make you feel shame as if you were to blame. Well, you weren't. Many 15 year olds have gone off on their mother/father or whomever. I wish you had gotten what you needed back then!!!!!
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I really am a horrible person. Who would do that to their own mother? I'm becoming her; depressed and sad or anxious and angry. It's why I haven't had kids yet. I don't want to be my mother and I don't want my kid to become me.
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If you saw this happen to another family with a 15 year old girl in it, what would you think about her? That she was a horrible person? You absolutely AREN'T! What would we do without you here?
As far as you becoming your mother, your kids becoming you -- well, you are aware of yourself. You are in therapy. Say that you did end up becoming depressed and agorophobic for a bit and you had a 15 year old daughter. I highly suspect you would sit her down beside you and tell her how much you love her and that although its not under your control, that it definitely is not her fault nor responsibility. To me, communication can make a horrific problem into just a problem.
Take care and keep us posted!
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