I am new to this site and I am also very nervous to post this or anything. I have plucked up all my courage to do so.

I joined this site (out of character for me to join a forum) because, well I suppose I am desperate and don't know anyone to voice my feelings to.

I should say I am 60yrs young and have been married for nearly 35 yrs and have two adult sons 33yrs and 30yrs that both live at home. Now I should preface and say that my husband and sons are all decent people not some horrible people.. but.. I seriously do believe that I have zero importance in the family at all. I believe that my passive nature has a lot to do with how I am in this predicament and always have been I suppose to some degree. I try hard to avoid any upset with anyone and I am possibly overly sensitive or perceptive to other peoples moods. So I do think I have forged my own path in a way. Now I don't want to ramble on because that would be very boring. I am going to try and keep this short but I am trying to have a voice to anyone that will listen.

My husband and I never really had a conventional relationship in many ways. I have come to realize lately more so than ever he is a control freak but I don't think he knows any other way and I have allowed it for so long so why would he think there is a problem. He also likes to have an air of there is no other way but his way and he literally does not listen to a word I say, because apparently I don't know what I am talking about. Now, my younger son is almost a clone of his father so now he behaves toward me in the same way, neither one of them really are interested in anything I have to say about anything. I feel as if I am ganged up upon and they pick on every silly thing I do, and for some reason they think that I am very funny. Whenever I do something a little silly like anyone does, for some reason I am a source of entertainment, but god forbid I show that I am not finding the situation amusing, then all of a sudden I am crazy or words to that effect. Then they are irritated . Go figure! My other son is more passive like me and he really does not say anything either way and is very much a loner so keeps himself to himself. He also has Asperger's Syndrome hence him preferring to be a loner. I have often wondered about this saying "apples don't fall far from trees" .

Sorry still trying to keep it shortish, its gone from short to shortish, now ya'll should be worried

I have not been able to work for the last ten years due to some pretty nasty medical problems, which I am glad to report I am doing a whole lot better now.. During this time I think this entire control situation got worse. I actually think and in fact I pretty much know my husband without him really realizing it liked the fact that now I had to rely on him for most everything, including money. I had always had my own money in the past and until my own funds ran out.

Now, Please I don't want to hear a song and a dance about smoking.. pretty please because that is not the issue. The control became evident when I could no longer buy my own cigarettes (smoker for over 40yrs straight) not proud! My husband is a reformed smoker (quit three times and was third time successful) was relentless with comments about my smoking and how much the cigarettes cost, which I was fully aware of and already felt horribly guilty. He kept on and on and told me he was going to tell the doc to put me on chantix when we went for our scheduled yearly physical. So even though I did not want to quit I really had no choice and went along with it, as I do.. (problem) The Chantix experience is a whole other story but we won't go there at the moment and quite possibly never should I was not able to complete the full three month course on the Chantix and took it for one month. My younger son quite rightfully so, was concerned at some issues I had developed on the Chantix and begged me to not take it any more. My husband was pretty oblivious as he normally is to anything out of the ordinary going on, I am used to this and am fine with it because I know how he is. Of course Chantix didn't work because I did not want to quit, and that is half the battle is it not. Now I will sneak a smoke any way I can, which is ridiculous and literally hang out the window late at night so he or my youngest son wont know. I have no way of buying a pack of my own as my husband would know, and plus I still am not quite up to driving so even if I had cash, which I don't it would still be a ridiculous situation. I should say that I do not mind being home a little too much and like being in my own comfort zone. I have many anxieties. The fact is that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. The issue is why, at my age should I have to feel as if I should sneak around to have a smoke. I would hate to disappoint them is the answer to that, but why should I care? It seems to me most people do whatever the heck they want within reason. I just cannot do that. hmmm.

I should say that since I have been feeling so much better physically and am thrilled at the fact I can do things that I was not able to do, not so long ago should be a source of joy for us all. Maybe because my recovery has happened rather slowly it is not as noticeable to my family as to myself, I don't know. This is why I feel invisible or part of the furniture I guess.

Jump ahead three years or so... I should also mention that I have not driven for about five years due to the health issues. Please don't get me wrong as I am not complaining, just trying to outline a little. I do not own a cell phone and I don't really care to have one. Though back a few years I had reason to use one more and I remember being annoyed because my husband would always get those deals with two phones, one would be a really nice one and the other just a phone you could call and recieve calls with. I was told I did not need anything more, and basically told I should be grateful. I couldn't really argue, as it was actually true. It then progressed to if I needed anything I have to send him a link to what I want and he then will order it with paypal online. I am not given the paypal account info. I have remarked several times about this, but it goes over my husbands head. Same thing with using a credit card, I have to ask first. I should add in 35 yrs I have used a credit card rarely, very rarely. I used my own cash. This is a horrible feeling! So like everything I just don't bother saying anything anymore. Another thing I have created for myself is being very complacent about waiting for things and settling for something I don't really want. I know that just has to be wrong, but I don't know any other way. This behavior has exacerbated the fact that I have lived in a house for the last 25 yrs that I never wanted. Everything in the house is half done and in a really bad state as far as I am concerned. It is clean but not comfortable. My husband thinks the place is perfect the way it is. It does not bother him in the least

I should say that I do take lexapro for depression and have taken many other meds over the years for the same. My inner anxiety levels are always high but I do not take anything other than lexapro for it. My doctor is very against anti anxiety meds. I used to take them in the past and took them responsibily as prescribed and I think they must of helped a little, because to be honest my anxiety is through the roof, but I do a really good job at not showing it, even if I did the ones that should notice I was a little distressed would not see a thing.

I seriously wonder what in the heck is wrong with me, though I do have some thoughts.

I hope I have not rambled on so as to bore you all to death. For anyone that took the time to listen to my little rant I thank you. I normally write these things to myself, this is a first to actually share some of these concerns. Thank you