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Feb 07, 2012, 09:46 AM
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Member Since: Feb 2012
Posts: 7
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Ok i dont know whether or not i am depressed.
I am married with a kid now.
Actually when i was a kid my parents always fought and in that family life i had no love. Mostly their fight was due to financial and also cos my dad always drinks and comes home and wake us all up and lecture us on this and that...blah blah blah and normally we would have lack of sleep cos my dad would talk for hours. It was very very irritating. I always wanted to run away from home....but how would i survive i was still a teenager. Sometimes he would beat me up cos i would retaliate and eventually i would run away to my aunt's house (next town or so) and come back after 2-3 days.
I always thot a way to escape all this is when Prince Charming would come n save me.........dreams and imaginations cos i want to be loved and feel wanted.
Then i decided that.....if i should find a guy he needs to be financially stable and also should not drink (maybe an occasional drinker would be fine for me). Actually to be frank i dont know what is love all about. I just thot it's just 2 people getting married and living their life. My dad is damn strict so i was not allowed to go out at all even with my girlfriends. And my parents are very stricts that i shud only marry a Christian guy.
Then i met this guy who happens to fit my description, financially stable and an occasional drinker and since I was not really allowed to go out……I think I got married to him thinking he is my prince charming. Actually during the time we know each other we fight MOST of the time. We fight cos he’s not that caring and doesn’t really want to come n meet me or spend time with me. Each and everytime we break up he would do something special and we would patch back. I think we broke up a lot of time. But I don’t know why I never tried looking out for another guy or tell him OFF. Maybe he was a good man, respects his family, very responsible, never hit me or would never hit me cos my dad hits my mom. I thot I should be lucky if I marry him even though he’s not really loving n caring. Infact I told him b4 we got married that he needs to show but he just says that he’s not an expressive person. That he doesn’t know how to show.
Since I was brought up as Catholic so I had certain policies in intimacy where we never had sex before marriage. Then we got married and during our honeymoon I found out that I cant have sex…..the urge was simply not there. I never thot of all this before marriage but after that I just didn’t have the urge. At first I thot I was nervous and then in times to come everytime he comes to me, I would reject him. I was feeling angry at myself for behaving like that but I simply couldn’t do it. Pls believe me I tried to allow him but I swear I just couldn’t. Then thinking a child would answer all my doubts and the problem we are facing I had sex (I am not sure that is even sex in the first place cos I had to check my fertile day and we did it for the sake of getting pregnant). I got pregnant and slowly I became tired cos I was very very sick with vomiting and there was zero intimacy and he started to work hard to save money for the baby. He was never home when I needed a hug or kiss or anything cos I think I had so much of hormones in me. I would beg him to take an off day but he would say NO and go to work. He said he need to provide for me. Then I wanted to be intimate with him, again he would reject me saying he fear he would hurt the baby.
My son is now 4 yrs old and we are still like that. No intimacy at all. I feel so depressed….i have tried talking to him many times but he said for him it’s not important, he said he needs to earn money for me and our son and that he needs to make sure everything is alright. Then slowly I feel so useless and not wanted and we started to argue day by day. We would argue for petty matters and then he would constantly hurt my feelings.
Actually there are so many things happened in between the 4 miserable years but I am so tired to even type it out. I feel so depressed I think…so fight for myself.
I am right now soooo hurt and feel like running away from him and my life. But what will happen to my son? I am so stressed out that I cannot concentrate in anything. I feel so angry with myself. I don’t know what to do 
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