Ok. Lets try again.
My self image has been jerked around for decades. Recently I got an inkling why.
I was convinced I was the most talented up and coming musician the world was yet to see. I felt I had musical appreciation that enabled me to compose complex orchestral music in my sleep. I heard music coming from nowhere, so obviously it was my talent producing it in an extraordinary way - so I thought. Somehow I never managed to write it down or teach it to anyone else. My views of my talent weren't shared by my fellow musicians, and as the saga unravelled, I became increasingly aware that I was probably unpopular. All music began to sound dreadful. I couldn't tune my instruments by ear. My passion for music imploded. I went to a psychologist for help with what I presumed was depression. He referred me to a psychiatrist who put me on Prozac. I had a severe mixed episode, and was put on antipsychotics.
Looking back, my life has been full of these unrealistic ambitions and views of my self, as well as periods of hopelessness.
As for chemical castration, Prozac and the various antipsychotics were very effective. For someone who had a very vibrant sexual identity, the effect was akin to chemical decapitation. I was extremely distressed by the meds.
Repeat behaviours? Hyperacusis, hallucinations and probably delusions. Or the uncertainty of whether I am deluded or not. The trouble with psychosis is it can be very difficult to read social cues that tell you you are out of line.