Thank you to all who weighed in on my last thread related to T's actions and what happened with my parents at age 15. Your responses were insightful and helped me to realize some things that I think are going to help me a lot in session tomorrow and life in general.

I realize I'm not the only person who craves maternal affection as an adult because it was missing in childhood. That helps me feel better. After I hit school age, my parents were not very affectionate with me. I think they thought I was "too old" for cuddling and such. This may be related to their own upbringing. I could really see my dad's parents being this way. My mom's parents were affectionate with me, but they may not have been as parents to my mom and her sister.

T probably doesn't think I'm either repulsive or sexually attracted to her. I am probably reading too much into her behavior; however, it is possible she changed a boundary with or without her own awareness that she has done so. Something changed and we haven't talked about it. This triggers thoughts of distrust and shame. In my childhood, circumstances changed without warning or explanation many times. This extends to several categories: boundaries (i.e. affection was okay, then it was not), expectations (i.e. practicing the piano for 30 min a day is adequate, then suddenly 30 min is not enough, an hour is adequate), punishments (i.e. I might be grounded for a week, then the punishment lifted three days in), rewards (i.e. one grading period, I might receive a monetary reward for all A's; the next, nothing, just a "good job" or "keep it up"). I realize now that I don't deal well with change (good or bad) because of the constant vacillation in circumstances. I can attempt to resolve the current circumstances with T by asking her if (1) she is aware of her change in behavior, (2) if she is aware, why did it change; if she is not aware, talk about why it may have changed, (3) things can be restored to what I am accustomed to, and/or (4) can she reasonably and comfortably accommodate my request for affection and why or why not.

My mother was always distant, even when she was physically present with me because she suffered from depression and anxiety and a bit of OCD (wow, sounds familiar ). Either she was in denial about her condition or she knew and decided to hide it from me to protect herself, me, or both. If she were in denial, there is nothing she could have done different other than taken responsibility for her problems. If she were hiding her issues, it would have been better if she explained to me what was going on. I thought she acted the way she did in reaction to me. I personalized her issues, much like a child will blame him/herself for his/her parents' divorce. Perhaps if she had just talked to me, I would have seen things differently.

I tried so hard to make her happy and I never could; however, it was not my place to do so. I carried her burden for her and it affects every relationship I have to this day. I don't know how long it will take, but I need to "unlearn" the unhealthy patterns imposed on me and replace them with healthy ones.

Also of note, since Sunday I have had some pretty strange mood swings and at least one panic attack a day. I mentioned to my boss that I was panicking and he reminded me of something. My promotion. He said change is always scary in and of itself and there is risk involved in the promotion. If failure occurs for any reason (my own, state or federal funding resources dry up, laws change, etc.), I could lose the new job. I think between my new awareness of my past issues, realizing the risks implicit in accepting the promotion, knowing the intensity of the therapy process, and some financial issues that have cropped up in my own household, I am overwhelmed.

Again, thanks for reading and commenting on my threads. I like the hive mind.

And thank God I see T twice in the next two days!