That was a useless post, as it dosen't actually help my case, it dosen't explain anything.

What i'm feeling so low about is so much, but narrowing it down to the main things..

Self esteem - its currently like a trainwreck. I'm convinced everyone hates me, out ot get me, or just simply don't like me. Pick a card, any card.. My self image, be it physicaly, mentally, or something in between I don't know but I just hate everything I am. I hate how i feel, I hate how i feel so lost and stuck in this constant, never ending hell. I feel like i'm awlays lying to people about how i am (which to be honestly i usually am) I don't know how to express myself in conversation very well which i'll admit is why sometimes the forum is so much better because i can actually hide and not have to be looked at while speaking or explaining something. Yes - i know i have some very serious issues and have finally picked up the courage to contact my told T but its scaring the life out of me ! I don't want to go back to asking for help again. Opening up to people this way makes me feel so so vulnerable it makes me want to cry and hide for a million years. I hate having to speak to people, i always know they are going to judge me becaus it dosen't sound like i'm trying to do anything about the situation i've landed myself in but i'm trying so, so hard and I don't know any other way. It just all hurts so much. I've spent so many nights now lying awake just sobbing constantly with the pressure and the stress which i'm putting myself in and it hurts, it physically makes me feel sick. I can't eat properly anymore, its not that I don't want to, its just that i can't. I hate my image so much i can't stand the thought of putting more inside me and it makes me tear myself apart so much more because i could be so much better than what I am. Sometimes I feel like i'm not trying hard enough, i feel like i should just "get up and brush the dust of my shoudlers" but I can't. I just can't get up, i can't just brush it of, but i wish so deeply that i could but i don't have the mental strength at the moment. My dissasociation has gone through the roof, Chloe is taking over more and more of me, I can't stay focused, i'm loosing myself in my own head. I can't cope with it, i know its her job to try and keep me safe and stable but i know she'll hurt me. I know she'll just punish herself, which is punishing me as well. I feel so unstable, unpredictable I don't know what to do with myself..
I keep triggering myself and wanting to just hurt myself more and more because thats all i feel like i deserve now, to feel more and more pain, to never be allowed to feel happy, to forget compeltely what its like ot be normal. I've been hurting myself so much more and its just normal. I don't bother to hide it because no-one cares, I don't feel like anyone should anymore.
I'm not suicidal, I just feel like i don't know what to do with msyelf, and i'm doubting that even the T , the doc and anything will help me anymore. I'm thinking why not just give up on yourself completely. leave this gutter of a place your in, just forget about it all, don't care about yoruself, let yourself waste away untill there's nothing left. I feel so bad about writing this all, I feel like i've let so many people down but i feel like i've already tipped over the edge and am plunging into the darkness bellow without any way of getting back
I'm a monster.. a thing.. i'm not a person.