OK, so since I now know we are close in age, I believe you will appreciate it when I say I heard the theme that plays at the end of a level in the original Super Mario Bros. when I saw your title.
Quote:
My mother was always distant, even when she was physically present with me because she suffered from depression and anxiety and a bit of OCD (wow, sounds familiar  ). Either she was in denial about her condition or she knew and decided to hide it from me to protect herself, me, or both. If she were in denial, there is nothing she could have done different other than taken responsibility for her problems. If she were hiding her issues, it would have been better if she explained to me what was going on. I thought she acted the way she did in reaction to me. I personalized her issues, much like a child will blame him/herself for his/her parents' divorce. Perhaps if she had just talked to me, I would have seen things differently.
I tried so hard to make her happy and I never could; however, it was not my place to do so. I carried her burden for her and it affects every relationship I have to this day. I don't know how long it will take, but I need to "unlearn" the unhealthy patterns imposed on me and replace them with healthy ones.
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This is so key. And I hear your empathy for your mother in it too, which is really important. Just don't forget that empathy and anger aren't mutually exclusive.
Even if your mom was in denial, it doesn't make it ok. In my experience, even when I'm in denial... I know I'm in denial. Of what, I may not be aware, but I know that what I'm directing my emotions at is not really what I'm feeling the emotions FOR.
And I think you're totally right that the fact that you spent a lot of time filling in the blanks for your mom's anger, distance, and lack of approval made you extremely sensitive to changes in her mood or behavior... anything that would have helped you get a read on her. So of course you're extremely sensitive in any changes T makes... so trust yourself when you detect a change. Don't always trust your INTERPRETATION of the change... but trust that there is a change.
My T knows that I'm the same way, and that if I detect any change I will NOT LET IT GO until we figure out what it is. It's at the point, actually, where if I detect a change and he doesn't think there has been one, he'll actually sit there and think about if anything has changed with him that might be carrying into therapy. Of course he doesn't tell me what those changes are, I more appreciate that he takes my intuition seriously.
I hope your T also hears you out. I'm glad you get to see her twice!
Good luck with your panic attacks
. I'm sorry they're eating into your life so much. Of course you're overwhelmed, this is a lot of stuff happening at once. Are you into yoga at all? I recently got more into it, and it helps me a fair amount with anxiety.