Ever think you were stable, only to be proven otherwise? Haha yes of coarse. I hate this, I thought I have been doing ok. But I have not, I have gotten into three major fights with my bf in the last week. Last night was one. Of coarse this morning I feel drained, my eyes are sore and puffy from crying. Let's just say I have been going into rages, over very small things, at first I will get upset, then his reaction to my "upsetness" will cause me to blow, completely, irrationally. The only time we ever fight like this is when I am "sick".

And at the time, I feel I am being completely rational, then when I am told I am not I feel sooo defensive, cause you know I believe I am being rational, logical, when that is put up against me, I feel trapped into a corner. The words "no, you are just sick right now." leave me feeling completely unvalidated, and unheard. What a mess.

I'm not feeling depressed, nor up right now. I have been under a lot of stress. This really sucks, I love my bf so much, we don't always communicate with awesomeness, but we do a pretty good job, hard to communicate with someone who isn't thinking clearly. And it makes me feel like a brat, I mean he tries to be pretty understanding. So I'll go the rest of the day feeling guilty and ashamed, every time I look in the mirror I'll see my puffy eyes to remind me. The sad part is, is that no matter how hard I try to be well, or or modify my reactions, my perception will become distorted again and again.

All I could think last night is, this is why people with bipolar do not always want to continue. All in all what is the worst feeling for me, is not the depression, nor the mania, it's the knowing that you have lost touch and the shame, and guilt that comes with it. Hurting people I love. After all these years, I still don't know how to work with it. Do I take a " kill my pride or ego" approach? I'm not really sure.