This is my first time writing here since i have just join. I figured i would try something new because i really am making some attempt at getting my life in order. I've spent the last 4-5 years trying different psychiatric medications and abusing opiates and benzo, and to be honest i dont even like benzo's beyond what my doctor had prescribed me. Ive been clean from all of them for 33 after rehab for 13 days, now i can say i do feel better and have no real desire to use when things are going well but im all over the place emotionally. If i sleep its for 2-3 hours and thats every other day, my anxiety is through the roof to the point where i cant deal with anyone, and my family are the last people i can talk to. I dont really know how im going to manage if i truely am bipolar.(i have a hard time accepting it at times since i believe doctors and people throw the diagnosis around to loosely) I've used just about every moodstabilizer/anti-pyschotic and sleeping pill out there but when im "manic" i dont care if you give me horse tranquilizers ill still be up jumping around, cleaning the house, doing 5 different things at once while not completing any of them and i feel like im an sky high on speed or meth-which neither ive never done. I am about to be 21yrs old and people say thats the worst time for it, is there any truth to that? Will things ever slow down? Are there any decent anti anxiety medications or even supplement that anyone has used to either help manage or kind of take the edge off of it all? Self mutilation,suicidal ideation, and just above every with the exception of actually try to end it all. I can not keep living this way but at the same time the last thing i want to do is take medication, i feel like a zombie; if i feel anything at all and i feel sedated and stupid when on these medications, and ive tried just about everyone between all the doctors ive seeen. I hate to say it but ive lost just about any hope in psychiatry for myself, and about to just go back to smoking marijuana because thats honestly help me more then anything ive ever taken. Just looking for some other ideas, and ill stop now im rambling and my mind wont stoppppp 0.o