I agree with all said. Jacko, it's been (according to your post) eleven years, and it sounds like you have put yourself through enough for it. There is no need for it. You were 12 years old. You were at the a completely normal phase of your life. As said, something felt good, so you did it, and at that age, that is something that's done. You said it yourself, you didn't consider it sex then. So why would it be?

You should let this go. This has haunted you for far too long, it seems. You were a child. As far as people knowing, I'd tell you it's really none of their business anyway. No one is going to find out unless you tell them, and that is completely up to you. You're not "hiding" anything by not telling them. To be really, really blunt...you masturbated. Most people -wouldn't- really want to share a story involving them doing that. It's private.

So please Jacko, let this go. Don't torment yourself with this. You didn't do anything wrong. It's not worth worrying yourself with, and certainly not worth depression or suicide. Nothing is, in the form of the latter. So let this go, and enjoy that wonderful life you described for us.

My best to you, and good luck.