I agree with stardustedforever. Denying you have a problem will not help. You just need to learn new ways of dealing with what you have: BPD. You are not BOD. You have BPD. You are a lovely valuable person. You just happen to have an illness that is difficult to deal with. Most of us have thought about or acted on suicidal thoughts before because BPD is so difficult. I can understand how much you love your family. Your brother in particular seems very special to you. You are a very compassionate person to be willing to give up your life to help him. But that is not the way to help him or anyone. Nor is denying the problem. If BPD were just a matter of sheer will power, then there would be far fewer therapists, because we would just make ourselves better. But it does not work that way. I encourage you to continuing reaching out to your support people: your T, Pdoc, and whoever. I encourage you to investigate learning new coping skills and accepting who you are as an individual. I am so sorry you are hurting. You pain is real and your fear is real. Your anger at yourself is real. You can live through it. In addition, you can live through it without hurting those you love so deeply.