Quote:
Originally Posted by Broom Hilda
therapy has destroyed my life. i lost myself. i have no motivation to do anything. i don't care about anything. all i care about is seeing my therapist. the great unrequited love that sucks the life out of me. i'm at the end of my rope. actually i destroyed my life. i didn't realize i was walking into a situation where someone was going to show me such deep concern and talk about how much he cares for me. i don't get that anywhere else. it's too perfect. i love and hate him for it. i love him so much and the reality is i am a very very small part of his life. I'm not even really in his life. just a client. he cares. but caring for me and then abandoning me for a week is killing me. it doesn't motivate me to seek out anything. it hurts. i want to be homeless. i want zero responsibilities. i can't handle the pain this causes. and leaving would push me over an edge i can't talk about on here. someone will tell me to talk to my t about this. i can't risk him leaving. he knows i have lost all motivation. he knows i love him. nothing can save me.
time to go to work and try to pretend i'm still me. i got fired from my last job because i didn't care anymore. therapy is seductive and dangerous for a lot of people i imagine. any therapists looking into this and how to do something about it?
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(((((Broom Hilda)))))),
Love the name btw! I see my T as a father figure, and feel like I would like it if he adopted me (I don't think this way, though.). It's the dissociated neediness/dependent part that is responsible for this in my case. My Dad was very distant, and I guess I so badly wanted him to care and spend time with me. I wanted him to think of me and protect me, but instead I felt like an unwanted burden.
I've been with my T for about 4-5 years now and we have built a foundation of trust. We both have been avoiding triggering this part of me because when it comes out, it is so needy/dependent and it comes out full force because it is very dissociated from the rest of me (whatever me is).
So, T told me about various ego states and that we needed to address this part, to get it to come out and deal with it so I can integrate it so it won't be so intense. I guess I'm strong enough now to do it and I have the resources available IRL although this is not something you can easily explain to someone and not sound like a lunatic. It is massively painful and I feel like I'm falling into the abyss.
My point here is that you are not alone but I'm sure you've figured that out by reading the boards. I don't know if you like to read, but there are three books by Philip Bromberg that are awesome (actually I'm reading one now).
Know that it will get better and that you WILL make it through this. My wish for you is that you not feel ashamed about how you feel and your reaction. It's bad enough that the reason you're having this reaction was more than likely shame-inducing, but it's like a double shame when you feel compelled to act/feel in ways that don't go with who you are.
I also have difficulty with the fact that I care more than he does, and that when therapy ends he'll just put my file away and move on to the next and it will be like I never existed in the first place. It's very painful and feels like he is making a decision to do this because I'm not good enough, or memorable enough. I understand intellectually but my emotions have a mind of their own. It's devastating, agonizing, I hear you loud and clear!
I hear you say that you have ruined your life. I feel that way too, sometimes, but on the other hand you are going to therapy and trying to find peace. Maybe what is going on would have happened with somebody else sooner or later, so now is the time to work through this issue. It's a long, hard road but I'm hoping for all like us that it will be worth it.
Take care and keep us posted!