Hi Shoez,
I can only tell you what I feel through my own
experience.I Think perhaps you feel like a little kid because
you ARE A LITTLE KID,at least mentally+emotionally.I think
since you have mentioned it twice in your post,your subcons-
ious is trying to tell you it's time to grow up;that you are
strong enough now to begin the work needed to become an
adult. For most of my life I was in a "deep-trance-state" that
occurred when I was very young and getting physically and
emotionally abused.I know now this is a survival strategy for
a child,rather than go insane with the knowledge that the
"perfect parents" he desperately loves,are in fact monsters to him or her.And so nature provides the ability to put self
in trance when there is no avenue of escape,no one to tell,
and TRAPPED. The child has no other option because of it's
powerlessness,and so in effect "goes away" in it's mind.
Although this may save it's life,there is a problem.The child
FREEZES emotionally+psychologically into that trance-state,
and here's the kicker,unless it is fortunate to find out his or
her condition,the child grows up to be in effect,an "Adult-
Child". A child in an adult's body,just like I was until the
year 2000 when I started to awaken.It is a long and difficult
journey,but if you do not take it you will never find out who
you really are!
But I must say,if I had NOT went for help and
done all the work I have done,I would never have found out
who I really was,so I am GLAD I found out;becaussseee,I
would never have found the good,decent,courageous,loving
person I am.
So,little Shoez,I think you have some work to do.Find a therapist,a good one can be hard to find,but a
good indication is,if they treat you with the utmost courtesy
and respect,they are liable to be good.
Meanwhile,please do
NOT let anyone do what they want to you!This is a symptom of the abuse. If ever there were a school for being
a victim,child abuse is it par execellence.Here are some things you may recognize in yourself that indicate the abuse:Pleasing other people regardless of YOUR wants+needs,trying to be perfect in all you do,a fear of
making mistakes,unnecessary hurrying,inability to stand up
for self when others are being rude or abusive,thinking you
are undeserving of others respect or kindness(it's just me),
miserly with self,again, because you don't feel worth it,afraid of anyone in "authority",giving in to others opinions
when you know otherwise.I've probably missed some out,
but you get the picture.But,for NOW,the main one for YOU
is,YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY BOUNDARIES!People say or do
whatever they like and you comply,just as you had to do
when you were a child.For God's sake Shoez,please don't
let them trample over you,YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY NO!
Tell them to **** off! Well,OK,that may be asking too much
at present,but you CAN and should say NO! OTHER PEOPLE
DO NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
Well,that's about all I can say for now,but please do not
hesitate to message me if you want further info,or you are
stuck at some point,I will only be too glad to help.
Deepest Respect + Compassion
To You,
BLUEDOVE