thanks lilith and fuzzybear. But things are still on a downer- i am not allowed to take no1 to the circus- and the social worker had the balls to say she didn't want to hurt m e, and then asked if I was ok. Duh- i was very open, said no I was NOT ok, and that she was doing a really good job of hurting me, then said goodbye and hung up. I hate it when I cry, and all i seem to be doing at the mo it that, esp on the phone, and of course everyone can hear that. I feel it is not even worth trying to get no1 back, everyone is against me at the mo (that's the way it seems) and they may as well put no2 into care as well. I want to just curl up in bed, under the covers and never have to come out. I could never 'permanently' make myself go away from the girls, esp no1 becoz of our close bond, but there is no fight left in me.