first off, you're not a disgusting human being. you're a lovely person with some terrible issues. it's horrible that your father put that on you a such a young age. it's amazing how people's words or expections can affect us for years.

you sound rather panicky. have you ever been treated for your issues? do you have a therapist? have you ever been hospitalized? if so, what have your doctors suggested?

I feel for you and please know I'm sending warm thoughts to help you through this rough time...