I'm hoping to find someone who is in a similar situation and can help me...My depression killed my spouse's desire to be "here" for our marriage. He had to chose during 12 years of my depression whether to stay or go. He choose to stay, but he stayed for the kids.

One and a half years ago, through the grace of God, I began to recover from my depression. I am a different person. It's like the old me died. He is proud of my progress but says he can't help but feel he is looking over his shoulder all the time thinking I'm going to spiral into depression again. He says it's like living with someone that had an addiction. Unfortunately, this is preventing him from loving me deeply, which I so want him too again. I knew that it may take time, maybe a long time, before he could trust and have faith in my recovery. It is just so hard to not know if he will every get to that point. It is hard to have hope that this will happen, because the depression and difficult choice he had to make really changed his perspective.

I almost feel like he is trapped...here for his kids' happiness and not his. Maybe not ever being able to love someone completely, without "looking over his shoulder". And I face the possibility that my need to be loved deeply and completely will never be fulfilled again. We do love each other very much.

I feel like it's my turn now to be unfulfilled and grieving over the "loss" of my spouse. He has had to change and adapt to be able to stay in our home. for him it was like the woman he married was no longer there. Depression had taken her away. Now I have to adapt to the reality that he may never be able to fill my need to be completely loved.

He has 12 years of living with a depressed spouse that took a tremendous toll on him... and he really is trying to get "past the past". The last year has been really good for our relationship. I continue to move forward. I will never go back to where I was. I am conscious of the past, but don't dwell on it. I am truly grateful for this second chance I have been given.

I know I have to keep being patient. It is just hard in the meantime - I just don't know how to get past this hole in my heart. And what if the patience ends up being for nothing if he can't get past the hurt I caused him?

thanks if you stuck with me and actually get what I am getting at. Sometimes rambling on helps whether anyone gets it or not. It's hard to sum up the issues of a 20 year relationship and make it understandable.