For some reason, I was having a freak out moment tonight. I was lying in bed thinking about my 2 year anniversary with my therapist coming up next month. That sent me into a squawling fit. Why? I don't know, but it did. I never thought I would still need her like this. It hurts me to need her. Why is that? This makes me hate her. But I don't hate her. I am confused!

Needing her made me mad. I was thinking, "Who is she anyway? What right does she have to know so much personal information about me? What do I know about her? Where does she live?"

Against my better judgement, I crawled out of bed and decided to see if I could search it out. To my surprise, it was fairly easy to find out. I knew about where she lived, just didn't know the neighborhood, so its not like she would be too freaked out if I knew more about her exact residence. Would she?

Now I feel like a freakin' stalker! I am not planning to go by her house or anything. Dear Lord, I would be so embarrassed if she saw me drive by! So, I will not be doing that for sure!

Why am I so intriged by this? Why did it matter where she lived? I know a LOT about her. She openly tells me things. Why was so I compelled to find out her exact location? Part of me keeps having this mean streak when it comes to therapy. Kinda like "I am going to get you back for all you (my therapist) did to me! You are not going to be in a higher standing than me, so back off!"

My therapist hasn't done anything but try to help me. I am not thinking of really doing anything. I just have these crazy thoughts about finding out personal information about her that she does not openly tell me. Sometimes I want to tell her off! Where does this revenge come from? Why do I want to be so mean? I would never do that to anyone. I really don't even those kinds of thoughts about any else. Just her.

What have I done? Now I have to live with this guilty conscience. Now I have to worry about seeing her this week and keeping this a secret. I have just created more drama needlessly!

Squiggle