On thursday i had tafe so i had changed my individual DBT sessions to mondays. During my break at tafe when i checked my phone i had a heap of missed calls and voicemails from A (my individual therapist), the first few were saying where are you? give me a call to let me know when you'll be here. etc. Then they went on to say whats wrong are you okay? I've called your cousins and no one is answering. I've called ED and the wards and you're not there. The crisis team haven't heard from you. You really need to call me or the crisis team. Make sure you stay safe. Then the last one is her saying, okay ignore all my messages i just remembered we changed our appointment. It made me think though, i'm screwed if i ever just don't turn up for an appointment..

I started tafe tuesday. It's going okay i guess. I've decided to change one of my subjects so i'm trying to organise that at the moment. Everyone is expecting me to make a heap of friends at tafe, i don't think i will. I don't want to lie about me being BPD but i feel like i'm just going to be labeled as the crazy girl. No one will want to be friends with me. I want to make friends because i don't know anyone here but at the same time i think whats the point i'll just screw everything up anyway.

I'm so tired at the moment. I hate having to get up by a certain time everyday. I just want to be able to go to bed early then sleep until i wake up myself. I never sleep very well but i'm usually able to get back to sleep after i wake up. I just want to be able to stay in bed dozing until i want to get up. I used to get sick all the time so i'd have an excuse to stay in bed all day, but lately i haven't really been getting sick much, which is good, but i wish i could just get sick just because i'm so tired and i just want to stay in bed all day.

I'm feeling really homesick at the moment. When i broke down the other day i was planning on going home but Mum said i wasn't aloud. Mum bought me plane tickets to go home at easter, i'm glad to be going home but i'm also really anxious about it. I think my main worry is that something triggers me and I freak out and then Mum can't cope. I'm so scared that something is going to happen to Mum, I can't cope with something happening to her. And then i think that if something did happen i'm pretty sure that my family won't think i'm sane enough to look after my little brother and then i will have no say over what happens to either of us. I can't let my little brother down, if something happens to Mum then it has to be me who looks after him. He is amazing and has had to put up with so much. He msged me after my first day of tafe to ask how it was, and i know that there was no prompting from Mum because she was still in court for work when he msged me. Then when we were both going to bed and we stopped msging he said 'good night. i love you'. that absolutely made my day. I know that he is not good at expressing his feelings so he hardly ever says he loves anyone.

My cousins who i'm living with are going to europe for about 5 weeks towards the middle of the year and they have organised for my uncle and aunty to come and stay with me. They didn't even ask me if i'd be okay by myself, they just organised it. They don't trust me. I'm not sure how I feel about 5 weeks with my uncle and aunty. They have different rules, including expecting me to be up a lot earlier. Also a lot of the household chores will fall on me. Especially everything to do with the dogs. I guess i'm just worried about them being my only family support for 5 weeks cuz i'm pretty sure Mum's going overseas possibly to europe too at about the same time.. but even if she isn't she's not actually here, i know i can call her but she's not going to be here if i go into crisis.

I've been thinking about some of my habits, two in particular. Needing to get things organised asap so i feel in control. And needing to arrive early to everything. Both of these seem to annoy my cousin. I need to do them to stop my anxiety getting too bad.

Today when i was in the shopping centre i dissociated badly. I heard a voice which sounded so much like someone i know, straight away things went funny. I almost collapsed but managed to catch myself then i tried to find somewhere to sit down. I felt like i was floating, i could see everyone but i couldn't hear them, i could hear music playing. I felt totally numb. It took me ages to come out of it completely. I'm still not feeling right. But i'm back to feeling how I have been for the past few days. I just feel numb and surreal.

My baby is sitting on my lap at the moment. She is amazing. I don't know what i'd do without her.

I'm seeing A tomorrow, i have no idea what to say. I'm back to putting on a happy face for everyone. But i'm burning out. I just want things to end. I can't leave my baby, so then i wonder if i should take her with me.. I know it sounds stupid. But i can't keep this up and she doesn't cope without me.

I'm so tired. I'm going to bed. Don't want to think about tomorrow.