Squiggle, you are SO not alone here.....I have done the same thing, actually more.....What drove me to do that? Good question. As I was growing closer to T, I felt those urges to know him more, as a whole person and not just my T.....and I usually feel quite sad about what I've learned...because T is SO accomplished, has a beautiful wife, beautiful big house, owns a successful wellness center, has beautiful children....Makes me feel inferior...