This could be a long rant, but I'lll just post it anyway. I just need to get my entire story off my chest. Maybe there's someone out there who can help me get a new perspective, because currently I have none.
I hope this doesn't seem too benign in comparison to other people's problems, but it's big for me. I also realize this might probably just as well be posted in "School & Study Issues" or "Social Anxiety", but I'll just leave it here.

I graduated high school in 2009. Up until that point I was... well, not exactly happy, but in comparison to my state now it was heaven. I did well in school, had a few friends, had no problems with anyone else. I was never very social, kept to myself and my small circle of friends mostly, but it was good enough for me. I had my place in life. Sure, I always dreamed of the life after school, how beautiful it would be to break free from this provincial school, to find enlightened people, people who were more like me, to maybe have a bigger circle of friends, maybe even find love one day... but those were minor worries - or at least I perceive them like that now.

At some point after graduation, the state that has now been diagnosed as depression set on. I didn't really have an idea what I wanted to do, and thinking about the future too much and in too much detail scared me, so I made the rather quick decision to start college the next fall. I got a part-time job to earn a bit of pocket money and keep myself occupied until then, I still saw my friends regularly, and that was that. Up until late 2010, things were still ticking along rather nicely.

In fall 2010, I started college. About a week later I almost had a nervous breakdown. It was too much, I was scared, everything was different, I was scared of being unable to succeed, and possibly worst of all, I was alone. I was never good at meeting new people and making friends, but that really hit me here. I missed my friends, my support network, my "safety net". All I had was a bunch of strangers who'd already formed cliques, and class requirements and assignments that seemed insurmountable. I wanted to quit after a week. My parents convinced me to at least go to a few of my classes until I'd figured out what to do next. I agreed, and I did.

I mostly did well in these few classes, but I was still lonely, depressed and without motivation. I haven't made a single friend in college. I just wanted to go back to my carefree high school days, but I was forced to look towards the future.

After a few months at college, I decided to start an apprenticeship in summer 2011. I was confident that things would be different there, that it would be more like high school, that I would "shine" there and be happy again. I was dead wrong.
Beginning a few weeks before that new school was supposed to start, I spent every day crying and panicking. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to deal with this new situation either, that I wouldn't have a future, that I'd blow my last chance and have nothing, that I'd never be happy there. I went to that school for one day and almost broke down again. I dropped out that same week.

Fortunately I was able to re-enroll in college, so now at least on my resume it looks like I still have a "normal" way of life, but I have no idea what to do, and haven't since last summer. I see a therapist once a week now and it does make me feel better, but my future looks darker than ever. I'm still enrolled in college, but I've missed so much that I can't keep going there "regularly"; I'm only in college on paper and to create the illusion that my life is still normal, when it's anything but.

I have no motivation for anything. I just sit around at home depressed, watching another year fly by without progress while all my friends have gone on to do great things with their lives. That's another thing that brings me down: I hardly see my friends anymore, and when I do, it's not like it used to be. I can't make new friends because of my social anxiety, and even if I didn't have it I still wouldn't know where to start looking. I hate discos etc. and most social situations where I don't know people, and the few times I've tried going to such places were unsuccessful, so I stay lonely and dream of a life I know I'll never have.

I also dream of finding love, but I've been single all my life. I'm a lesbian and in my hometown there are barely any opportunities to meet LGBT people. Another thing that gets me down.

I've started fantasizing about death, but I know I could never kill myself. All I know is that I can't keep going like this. Every day is lonely and boring and grey.

I just wish I could go back to my high school days. Sure they weren't perfect, but they're as close to perfection as I'll probably ever get.
I'm scared of "growing up", of responsibilities I know I can't handle, of... life.

And I've become so angry and jealous of happy people, especially couples. These negative feelings are really hard to take.

Long story short, I need a perspective, I want happiness, but I'm depressed and everything seems hopeless.
And even if none of you have anything to say to me, at least I got this all off my chest for once. Thanks for this opportunity.