I had to confess!! I sent her this email:

Therapist,

Based on your response, my gut tells me not to talk with you about it. The risk might be too great for me to handle right now. It will be hard to have a session with this playing in the back of my mind. Maybe by the time we meet, it will settle down and I will have worked it out with my online friends. Then again, I may blurt it out and walk out the door.

Sometimes I think I need another therapist to help me decide what to tell and not tell you in our sessions. More than likely, at some point, I am going to tell you and just get this over with. I am probably making more of it than it really is. If it makes you mad, I will have to deal with that.

Let's just say that this is similar to something I confessed to you a while back. You took it okay, but wanted to know more about it. Can I just go ahead and say this? You probably have already figured it out anyway. I know where you live. Okay, there it is. I said it. Is that a crime? It was listed under your business name. Why was I even looking at stuff like that? I don't know.

This is what we need to talk about. (1) Why am I freakin out that you are going to get angry with me? (2) Why did it matter where you lived in the first place? (3) Why was it so easy to find? (4) Is it going to change the way I feel about you? No (5) Is it going to change the way you feel about me? I don't know. (6) Am I going to try to drive by your house? Absolutely not. (7) Am I ashamed that I did this? You bet I am. (8) Why was I up at 3:00am so upset with you and therapy? (9) Why is our 2 year anniversary mark causing me so much pain? (10) Why am I confessing this to you anyway? It's not like you would ever have found out. I am doing this because I feel that I did something wrong and I don't want this to hinder me from moving forward in therapy.

I am sure that your initial reaction is going to be upset with me. I don't blame you one bit. I crossed the line. I know that I did. I am sorry that I have done something this terrible. I am suffering a great deal because of it. Please don't leave me hanging until Wednesday. At least say something so that I don't go off into a panic thinking that therapy is over. I would prefer more than "We will discuss this on Wednesday." But if that is all you can give me right now, I will have to accept that.

Right now I feel that I may have ruined any chance of me continuing therapy with you.

Squiggle