i have really mixed feelings about posting this here. but it is a relationship issue...for me.

when i was 5, my mother quit sleeping with my dad. she would carry me in and put me in bed with him and she slept in my bed.

one day when i was 40, i walked through my den and saw Phil Donahue on the television. i didn't watch much daytime t.v. and i stopped to see what the woman was saying to him. she told the exact same story that i lived. only i had "forgotten" it until that moment. i was 40!

as soon as my husband came home, i told him about all that had happened to me. no response whatsoever. (it took awhile, but i did learn to not expect responses about anything that had to do with feelings and emotions) i went to a T and after extensive talks, i finally remembered everything and was able to get it out and deal with it.

i felt much more anger towards my mother than i did my dad.
i never mentioned this to either one of them. but emotionally, i was able to make peace about it with my dad. i still haven't forgiven my mother. our relationship was always contentious. especially after i grew up enough to have opinions and state them.

i never pleased my mother. i achieved a lot in my lifetime and she was always able to be sarcastic and cold about it. she did ask me to get Willie Nelson's autograph, after she had condemned me to hell for working for a pot smoking hippie and i refused to get it for her.

so, my big struggle here on the board to speak for people who feel hurt over some of the recent problems still isn't about me. but i want you to know that i've been hurt and i've been rejected. i'm no novice at the hurt game. nor am i a novice at being rejected.

anything that anyone wants to make of this is fine with me. and, in the long run, this is about my relationship with a lot of really wonderful and caring people here who have been through a helluva lot more than i have been through.

xoxoxo pat