((((o. kay)))))

I am sorry to hear your still struggling and are having difficulty finding some kind of solid ground or balance to help you move forward. I hope you ARE seeing a therapist about this you simply cannot resolve this on your own.

I just want you to know that your not alone and you CAN find some direction both here and in therapy that can help you learn better coping skills.

I can see that you had a very troubled childhood and that your struggling with PTSD.
Well, me too and I have come to learn more and more that the PTSD itself if very hard to understand and can present the confused thinking that your expressing here.
I suffered like that too and was very confused. But I have been learning more and more about PTSD and what it means and how it is effecting me. That has helped me understand that when I felt like your expressing here, it was because I didn't understand the disorder and that that thinking was part of it.

When you get therapy you will work with a therapist that understands this and can help you find your way past these uncomfortable periods of confusion and begin to learn how to help yourself more and more. You certainly deserve to address this and get help. In time you can get stronger and learn how to slowly overcome this just as others here have.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes