I was cleaning my room the other day, and found some barbituates I forgot I had hidden away... I got rid of everything else that I knew was around the house that would trigger me, but I missed this bundle of pills. Having been in a bad mood this past week, having terrible stomach aches all week long, eating very little, and with very restless sleep, I knew if I took a few I would at least get some uninterrupted sleep. Heh, a few... I have been high all weekend on an empty stomach, and this morning when my alarm went off, I woke up extra groggy. Work was less than exciting, and my thoughts right now are turning to the pills I haven't taken yet, that I don't have the strength to throw away. Although I know I won't take them right now, as I have class in a few hours and I absolutely have to go because I skipped last week, I'm more than tempted to take them tonight after I get home from class

Another dilemma that's adding to the self-loathing of the day.... a boy I'm interested in, and is interested in me, is an addict in denial. He claims he only does drugs for fun, that's it's all experimentation, not to run away from problems, that drugs are okay in moderation. He does a variety of things, the one that worries me the most at this point is his dope use. He's told me that he's thought of us doing dope together, that he'd like to do dope together. I've told him about my addiction problem, about my inability to do drugs for fun, that I only do drugs to escape, I can't moderate. He responded with, "I'm in charge with the dope. And this won't happen often. I don't want to be a negative figure in your life, if anything I want to be positive. If you are going to engage in this part of my life, we have to do things my way. By that I mean understand that drugs can be enjoyed for what they are."

I'm ready to just throw in the towel and go back to drugs on a regular basis