Thanks Caretaker Leo.. :/

Been a rough 8-10 years... Drugs helped me stay away from reality and allowed me to forget momentarily... I would wake up in the morning smoke drugs, then I would get hungry around 2am if I got hungry at all, eat and go to bed..Wake up and do it all over again being trapped in a viscous cycle of desperation and helplessness, having no hope, no more light at the end of the tunnel... I won't go into detail of my miserable self induced life, I just know I don't like it and one way or another things will finally come to a end.
I fear for my health, my lungs, my throat, I'm sick and tired of being just that, sick and tired.. I want meaning to my life, I don't like waking up happy because I have drugs or sad because I don't.. I don't like going to bed knowing I will be sad in the morning cause I don't have drugs.. I'm sick of spending my money of drugs.. I spend so much money a month on drugs it really is quite mind boggling..
I have a nice place, a nice car, nice girl (she tells me she would give anything not to hear me cough any more, she is clean) by the way I'm 32 encase anyone was wondering..
I live in one of the best countries in the world (canada) yet I am filled with holes in my heart, I have pain that only drugs can cover up but they can only cover up so long until it overcomes you and you become a nothing, someone lost to the abyss.. Life sucks and I can't stand people any more, I'm grumpy all the time and grumpy to people who want to help me and that hurts me even more knowing I am hurting people who care..I do have people who care but I feel I can not go to them for help, I am ashamed, embarrassed...(they are Christian, people of god, their answers to this is for me to pray.. Well for starters I don't know what I believe so I would be praying in falsehood and would do me worse then bad cause I would feel I am praying to something I don't necessarily believe in, giving me more racing thoughts I really don't need..
I am stuck between a hard rock, drugs and now death.. I feel time is coming to a end and starting to accept the inevitable in life that once frightened me... To go somewhere peaceful, pleasant, no pain, suffering, no addictions, no worries, no more racing thoughts,...*sigh* I wish my mind would stop and just leave me alone... I just wish...I just wish things were different and I made different choices in life.. I fear and feel it is becoming, if not already to late for me..

Avoice,
I use to talk on chat frequently when my wife and children left me, had some good friends on there... I try to stay away from these forums..obviously these forums are for people with problems.. I love the forums and chat but hate the reason why I come here and have avoided it for so long. Recently things have been getting worse and my thoughts have been going faster, I get panicky and have anxiety attacks etc.. I have been becoming fearful for a few things/thoughts, and well..

I don't know why I am on here, I don't even trust anyone so how the hell is anyone suppose to help me? I'm such a loss cause and I can't believe I am having these thoughts..
I once stood tall and proud, had it all.. I literally had the world in my hands and could have done what ever I wanted in life... Drugs messed me up and now, I'm afraid drugs will finalize their task on me and finish me...I went from cool to a piece of sh##, had friends now I just have drug addict friends who only worry and care about themselves, about their next high..

Sorry for this long post, guess I'm just kind of venting.. don't really expect anything.. Yea, I know I'm not alone and others are in the same shoes I am. I'm not special and don't deserve anything the next person wouldn't get... I do want help though and I am reaching out, I just don't know who to trust and where to go.. I have my apartment, my car, all that stuff, I can't rehab it and I can't do it outside of rehab... I don't have the strength with-in me to fight this.. I have been telling myself for years this is bad for me and to grow up and don't be such an idiot but time flies. Now I am still saying the same thing at age 32, but this time it is different, I'm desperate, I have no choice, I can't live like this any more.. It's either I get help and real help or I feel I will die, I'm worried, I'm not calling out pretending I am going to kill myself for attention like some do.. I'm am calling out saying I'm worried for having those thoughts and even more worried that those thoughts are sounding kind of peaceful...
It's not like I am going to go kill myself this second or tonight etc, but I fear these thoughts will encourage me further and someday in the near future they may overcome me..
*sigh* look at my miserable life.. it has come down to this?? I'm a pathetic low life and I have hurt a lot of people along my journey...I'm such a scum bag man and I just hate myself period!