Mue- I definetly relate to whwat you're saying, and for the past almost 3 years have been in a weight loss program that I just quit last week. Why? Was it because I successful and lost all the weight I needed to??? HECK NO! This was an excellent program too- we had a dietician, nurse, Dr. and therapist we met with either weekly or every other week. The program was good. I succedded in the beginning, got to my lowest weight in almost 25 years, but since that low, I have actually gained 55 lbs! That is why I stopped. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depression and Anxiety and have been working to straighten those things out for the last 2 years. I have major medical problems to have to muddle through and I think all of this has been in the way of successfully losing any weight at all. It's very discouraging.

I understand what you mean when you say you cringe when you look in a mirror and that you can't understand how anyone would want to be friends with you based on how you look.

As a kid, even at a very early age, I remember my mother always telling me to pull in my stomach. My mom had me wearing a girdle at the age of 12 or 13 to make myself look thinner, and at the age of 14 my mother took me to a weightloss doctor to get me appetite supressents so I could lose some weight. I remember 'sneaking' food because I was "hungry". I think the food thing was a result of high stress in our family- lots of arguing, fighting, yelling, screaming and throwing things. I don't know what else to attribute it to. Some of what happened (like diet pills) were at my request. Bot I wonder what does a 14 year old know and why the ehck did she take me to this doctor anyway?? I wasn't overweight at all. I was 5'4" and 125 lbs. That is pretty normal and healthy! UGH!

So anyway................. (sorry for the rant)

It'll be interesting to see what comes up for you. Please know you really are not in this alone.