This is the email I sent back to my therapist. I did play down the whole address thing. I mean, I don't want to go overboard with confession when it is not that necessary. I did want to find her business information, so that part was really true. I found it and a lot more! I may end up telling her in person the whole thing about the address. I just don't want to cause more pain on myself than I need to inflict.

Dear Therapist,

Thank you for responding promptly so that I could go to work and not worry myself to death about this. I don't know that I purposely set myself up. I just had a really bad episode of panic and anxiety and that is what I turned to to calm me down. Not knowing you as a 'real person' is hard for me. This relationship is so onesided. I get that. But it is not easy being on the other side of your desk. Pouring my inner soul out to someone that I really don't even know. Trusting someone to care about me and really want what is best for me is not easy to accept.

The reason I googled you was because I wanted to make sure you were real. I just took for granted that your certificates on the wall made you a licensed therapist with a real private practice. Did I know that for sure? No, I didn't. I believed you, but the other night I was panicking about it. Kinda like I might be running toward a cliff and was going to fall off at any moment when you cut and run off. (I know that sounds weird, but that is really what I was thinking).

This was partially triggered by an email I sent you before that one. I mentioned about the chair thing and you sitting higher than I was. The Authority Figure thing. I don't know why that started all of this, but it did. I had to be sure that I was really working with the 'real thing' and not someone that was just doing this on the side without really having to be accountable to anyone. My trust in you was wavering and I reacted in fear. Fear can make you do some stupid things. Then again, was it that wrong to want to validate that you are a legitimate business? I didn't know it would show your home address.

The 2 year mark is a big trigger as well. I have invested a lot of time and money believing in this therapy process. I needed to be sure that this is real. That you are a real person with a real business. It's not that I doubted you, I just needed to see it in black and white.

I am not so freaked out about what I did anymore. Why? because alot of clients do that. It is pretty common for clients to want to know more about their therapists. I knew I would tell you even before I even googled your name. I don't know for sure what I was looking for. What I did find was evidence for me that this is a real practice. I am not allowing someone to 'work with my mind' and get me so messed up that I end up being institutionalized.

As for doing things to sabotage my therapy, I don't think I am doing that. At least, not consciously. I do go through stages where I panic about this process. I have to make sure that things are real. I have to have validation and assurance that this is going to be okay and I am safe to continue on. In case you have never been told, this is a very scary thing to go through. It is the weirdest thing I have ever done.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to sit in front of you and talk about stuff? Do you know how it feels to regress to a childlike manner in front of another grown woman? Do you know how I feel when I send you emails that make me look like a warped person that really needs to be removed from society? Do you know what it feels like to need someone (stranger) in your life just to help you make it from week to week?

I am putting a lot of trust in you and in this process. You can really do A LOT of damage to me. Had you responded in a negative way to this whole ordeal, there is a good chance that I would have resorted to some unhealthy ways to get over it. I have enough scars, I don't need anymore. Can you understand why I need to make sure that you are what you are representing and that you really know what you are doing? I hope this is not offending you. You know that I wouldn't be seeing you if I really doubted you, but there are those moments when I panic and fear takes over.

Back to the issue at hand. Now that I have calmed down, I don't think its any big deal that I know your address. I don't know why I panicked so bad when I saw it on that website. I felt like I had invaded your privacy or crossed a boundary. Yes, I was thinking you would reprimand me in some way and that was triggering a lot of emotions for me. I think had I not googled your address, I wouldn't be feeling so guilty right now. I am not sure why I wanted to see where you lived, but I really don't want to talk about that with you.

Like I said before, I wasn't expecting your address to show up anywhere. I was looking for something to validate that you were real with a legitimate private practice. I needed to be sure. Why? I don't know that answer. It's kinda strange to meet in a church and feel like it's a 'real' business. If I met with you at an office like I meet with my other doctors, that would feel different. Do you get what I am trying to say?

I hope that I haven't messed things up too bad. I am not sure if this email explained things very well or not. It may have made things worse. Coming on Wednesday is not something that I am looking forward to. I feel like I have betrayed and demeaned you. I hope you don't feel that way because that was not my intention at all.

The bottom line is that I need to know that you are a real person, with real kids, a real husband, a real home, etc.....You are not just a figment of my imagination!